Dear Auntie, I’m going out with a boy and he is best friends with his ex. He told me he loves me, but the other day he said he wants to be more than best friends with his ex, but not a crush, but apparently he doesn’t like her. What should I do?
Hey there! Thanks for writing in.
It sounds like your boyfriend might be testing the waters. In other words, he’s seeing what kind of reaction you give when he says he wants to be more than just friends with his ex.
He could be doing this for a couple of reasons:
- He’s not sure who he would rather be with.
- He’s not sure if his ‘ex’ wants him back.
- He’s not sure if he’s ready to let you go.
In any case, your boyfriend is not being straight with you, maybe because he’s not being straight with himself, which might be the case.
If you haven’t already, ask him exactly what he means when he says ‘he wants to be more than friends with his ex’. As you hear me talk this through, it may make it a little clearer, but it’s good to know for sure.
Here’s what you can do:
- Think – what exactly do you want to know by the end of the conversation? Think through different scenarios so that you can be prepared. For example, how will you feel and what will you do if he says he want to breakup? What will you do if he says he wants to be with his ex, but doesn’t say anything about breaking up? What is and is not acceptable to you.
- Find a Quiet Place to Talk – a neutral, semi-public place like coffee in the park, or a place where you won’t get easily distracted or interrupted. This way you know you have his full attention.
- Be Direct – ask him straight out the questions you prepared. You can say something like, “I’ve been thinking a lot about what you said about wanting to be more than friends with your ex. What does that mean? What does that mean for us?”.
- Move forward – whatever the outcome of your conversation be, try to direct your thinking towards moving forward in the best possible way –whether that be with or without your boyfriend.
- Always Take Care of Yourself – allow yourself to feel whatever feelings you may be feeling with whichever way YOU have decided to go. This is in fact taking care of yourself. Surround yourself with people you love and who support you. If you need someone to talk to reach out to a friend or a trusted adult to be your sounding board.
I hope this helps. Know you deserve to be with someone who wants to be with only you. Don’t take anything less.